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My story of miscarriage, anxiety and babywearing

13/9/2017

 
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Trigger warning. This blog post deals with miscarriage and anxiety.


Today marks 2 years since the day I began to miscarry what would have been my fourth baby. It is singly the most traumatic and heartbreaking thing I have ever been through. I didn't ever think I would recover from the emotional pain and loss we went through. Our lost baby was deeply wanted. I was pregnant for just 10 short weeks and in that time I had done all the normal pregnant mummy things. I dreamed of names, whether we would have another girl or boy. Panicked about how we would cope with four. I was incredibly proud of my body once again for growing another baby. I was so happy carrying around our little secret. I was also sick. I felt really rough and so very pregnant.


And then I began to bleed. At first I hoped it was nothing. But I kept bleeding. The first early scan I went for, I went alone. It was one of the biggest mistakes in my life to do that.


I felt crushing betrayal. Betrayed by my own body against me, against my baby. I felt empty, lost, like a failure. I had lost a baby. My baby. The sonographor was so blazé about it. It was just one of those things. But it wasn't. It was my baby.


Fast forward a few months and I was lucky enough to fall pregnant with Anna. I couldn't enjoy it. I felt like I didn't deserve to enjoy it. What if my body betrayed me again? Maybe I shouldn't get excited. Maybe I shouldn't download the bump to baby pregnancy app this time. What if? My anxiety sky rocketed. At our 12 week scan I was pale and shaky. The sense of relief when I saw a baby moving on the screen was enormous. But it didn't curb my anxiety. My feeling of worry that something was going to go wrong. My absolute fear that I was going to loose her. It wasn't helped by the extra scan they wanted at her anomaly check. Nor the fact I had an anterior placenta and so couldn't feel the early kicks as easily as with all the others. My husband was amazing and reassured me that we should be grateful and rejoice in whatever time we had with her.


When she was born and I finally held her I could breathe again. She was here. She made it.


But the anxiety didn't go.


When she was about 2 months old I finally admitted to an amazing friend of mine that I was actually terrified of Anna just dying. During the night I was so grateful to be woken up by her because it meant she was still alive.


But when I wrapped her it felt better. I had her. I could feel her breathing. I could hear her tiny snuffly noises. I could place my hand on her back and feel her heart beating as she slept. I felt held together by the wrap. It bound me and her together and I felt safe. She felt safe. I knew I could babywear safely and I could relax. Babywearing helps my anxiety so much. I am so grateful to babywearing for this. That my wraps are more than just a method of transport for me. They are healing, bonding and holding me together.


If you are struggling with any kind of anxiety, I want you to know that you are not alone. If you have been through a miscarriage, I am so sorry. Please reach out for help if you need it.


A letter to my pregnant self

4/9/2017

 
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8 years ago today I was waiting for labour to kick off with my first baby. I had no idea what was about to hit me...


A letter to my younger self...what I wish I could go back and tell myself


Dear Chiara,


Things are about to change. Becoming a mother will consume you. It will transform who you are completely.


Bethany will need you like you've never been needed before. She will cling to you - like her life depends on it, and it does. Your very breathing will calm hers, your heartbeat will soothe hers.


People will come in to your home and tell you that she needs a routine. That you must put her down. That she must learn to be on her own. They will tell you she needs more mental stimulation. That you should space her feeds out. That she should learn to self soothe. That you should "have a break" and leave her.


Don't put her down. Cuddle her and never feel guilty about cuddling her all day long. Smell her wonderful smell. Stroke her soft cheek. She is yours and your are hers. Don't worry that she won't sleep in her beautifully prepared cot. It doesn't matter now. Right now she needs nothing but you and her daddy. Just all the love and milk and cuddles. She needs no routine. She just needs the warmth of your arms.


Although it seems like this will last forever, that you will forever be attached to this new bundle, that you will never be able to let go of her. One day she will be sitting, walking, talking. Going to school and making her own decisions.


So for now, wrap her up in a sling. Cuddle her close and don't let her go. Trust yourself. your mothering instincts which were once hidden within you that are now coming bubbling to the surface. They are telling you to hold her, carry her, to love her. Give yourself permission to submit to her needs. You are not forming anything other than a foundation of love.


Cx

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