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5 things I wish I'd known as a new Dad

23/5/2017

 
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A guest post from my amazing husband, who has supported me through this madness 4 times. For all our amazing 4th trimester parents.



5 things I wish I knew when I became a father



For the new born dad – dedicated to K&J on the arrival of baby T...

I was asked outright to write this maybe 2 months ago, I said no. I thought I had nothing to really say, and who would want to listen to me anyway? But as I sent congratulations to friend of 30+ years who just joined the club of fatherhood I thought of how little I knew when we first had a baby and what I wished someone could have told me. So yes, maybe the lovely wife was right (as she often is) and men should talk about this stuff and share more to help each other out, so, here goes!


Our story - The short version
Natural parenting, babywearing, breastfeeding, maternity pads.
I had no idea, none, NO IDEA.


We had a birth plan, we had everything set – car seat, clothes, work leave, all we needed was the baby. Two weeks late, induction, about 30 hours of labour, blood (so much blood), epidural, a doctor with full body weight (unnecessarily) levering a child into the world. Our lovely birth plan went to hell.


But then, there she was our baby. The fear of my wife being left paralysed was passed, the event was moving to memory and now we could move forward.


Home
We got home and reality hit – they let us take the baby, what were they thinking? I've been around babies a lot, made bottles, all sorts, I wasn't a newbie. But the responsibility and road ahead felt huge and scary but I knew deep down we could do it together.


Sleep
Did you know that sleep deprivation is considered torture and so against the UN declaration of human rights? Newborn parents would not question why for a second.


Downhill fast
So the first week got worse, mastitis (infection of the breast), serious hormone shifts, family tried to help but I remember about a week in after a rough day and serious struggles thinking my marriage was on the brink. I was just meant to be happy. But how can you be happy with all that going on?


How we got through it
Some people never have these problems but we learned what works for us, hopefully it can be helpful. Everyone tells you to plan for a baby by getting the right car seat and stocking up on nappies but I really wish someone had given me some of this advice too


1.Talk. You must communicate – this is not optional. Listen, express yourself, you are entitled to your feelings and how you're feeling isn't a criticism of the other person.


2. Be a team. If you're in a good enough relationship to have a baby you've hopefully got past the “keeping a record of wrongs”. The baby needs stuff, it doesn't care who does it – try not to make a big deal of it. You will both be wrecked, do not make it a competition of who is more tired, you're BOTH allowed to be tired. Help each other out – remember you love each other! Now is not the time to see each other as an opponent to be beaten, being a team means you can use the energy you have for the good of everyone.


3. Reassure. This is SO important. Keeping it up through labour is almost easy as a dad to be, “great job”, I”'m so proud of you” – it comes naturally. I was even told that reminding her to breath properly was helpful as labour was so overwhelming. Being told she was doing well was just as important and made her more relaxed – we got better each time and the last labour was something I would even call positive – I'd have bet you thousands that wasn't even possible after the first. But it doesn't stop there. Criticism from family/friends is devastating to any mother but especially a new one. If this is your first she will question everything and be loaded with self-doubt. You know how the apple watch tells you to move if you're sitting around too much – set that your maximum for telling her you are proud of her and that she's doing an amazing job and she will believe you and trust you – even if you feel like you haven't got a clue yourself. I felt like I was being patronising and all I could think to say was “you're ok”. She might not be, she may be sore and in pain and worried and stressed and overwhelmed and that doesn't change in 5 minutes – tell her you love her and she's doing great – at least you're being helpful and a new mum can't be told that too much.


4. Protect her. As a new dad – you will be proud you will probably have more energy and feel the demands of family commitments and feel it's good to have the baby meet people. This is massive pressure on the new mum to have the house look right for visitors or brings the stress of getting everyone out of the house and messing sleep/feeding cycles and can consume more energy leaving them more drained. Go back to #1 and talk about what to do and what you're feeling up to. If avoiding people for a week and making them wait is best – do what's best, I'm not trying to go old fashioned man in charge but if you just had surgery 2 days ago or did a workout that lasted 20/30 hours you would be pissed if you were being wheeled out to the in-laws a day later. Grab what rest you can and look out and protect your partner from doing too much, it will pay off in the long run. Alternatively if they want out of the house – try to muster up that energy and get out of the house with them


4.Nutrition. The difference in energy levels and even the quality of milk production was noticeably impacted by food. My wife will tell you that one of the best meals of her life was steak when Bethany was about 3 days old (Bethany still LOVES steak). Her body has been through loads and you can feel almost useless as a new dad, especially if she's breastfeeding, what you can do is make sure she eats right. My wife would on some days when I went back to work be so caught up with baby routines that she would literally forget to eat and not drink enough. Then the baby would fuss and not eat well and as soon as mummy was taking care of herself things got back on track. For me this was a job I could do that was practical and helpful. Helpful hint – frozen fruit packs are great for smoothies and you can even throw in loads of extra goodies like seeds, coconut mils etc, you have google, get on it.


5. Bad days exist. There are some particularly standard “bad days”. By baby 2/3/4 I put them in our shared google calendar so they would pop up on the phone.
Day 3 Milk comes in – hormones are a mess (longer if C-section)
Day 5 For some reason this seems to be accepted among mummies as a super emotional day – possibility the reality of everything is just being processed, I honestly don't know what the science is to it. What I do know is I had a wife who thought I was going to desert her and the baby because I took too long to take the bins out.


Growth spurts are real and include massive increases in feeding. Do not starve the baby and let it cry – sometimes you have hungry days – the baby will follow fairly standard patterns on this, it's science at work – don't fight it.
Here are the ones I put down and while these are somewhat accepted norms, remember that they are not exact and hungry days happen outside of these times too.
Here's the list – get it in your phone so you're ready.
Day 3-5, days7-10 days, 2-3 week, 4-6 weeks, 3 months, 4 months 6 months 9 months


Just remember, it's easy to do any job badly, but to do any job well, in particular being a mum or dad is hard work. You're allowed to find it hard without being a failure, take care of each other and ask for help if you need it. There isn't a simple key to success but no one system anyone has come up with has worked fully for us, we picked and chose what worked for us so don't tie yourself to one way of working or think that someone else's solution will work for you too – no matter how much they insist it will. Find your way together and it will be the right way for your family.


Hopefully that'll do it for now, there is much more after the early days like the return to work, developmental leaps, injections, check-ups, growth charts, teething and that's all before they can crawl... but maybe that can be the next instalment...


When it gets really hard, go back through 1-5 and make sure nothing has slipped, remember, we got through yesterday, we can do the rest of today, we can get through tonight, tomorrow morning, afternoon.... The days do get easier and they do eventually sleep more. Though your life will never be as it was you'd never want it any other way.




Celebrating Babywearing: European Babywearing Week

9/5/2017

 
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Babywearing – a reason to celebrate

It’s European Babywearing Week. A time set aside to celebrate babywearing. Why are we celebrating? Because, babywearing is so much more than just a transport option, an alternative to a buggy…

Babywearing is communication. By cuddling our children to sleep, or wrapping them up and rocking them when the feel poorly; lifting a big kid up onto your back so they can have a rest on a long walk, it is all communication. It is saying to your children “I’m here for you, my arms are ready for you.” Babywearing communicates to the rest of the family that we are a team, we lift each other up when we need it and that hugs are good, useful and necessary. It communicates to the rest of the world that our children matter, that they need love and affection and they are absolutely the centre of what we do.

Babywearing is connection. Cradling your baby close to your heart, snuggling your toddler against your back, holding your baby on your hip so she can see the world keeps you connected. Life is frantic and busy, there is always something to do. There have been days when I finally get to look into the faces of my children and just want to say to them, “I’m so sorry I haven’t even looked at you properly today.” (possibly because they’ve gone to school in a grubby jumper). Babywearing offers a chance to be connected or reconnect.

Babywearing is useful and practical. My slings are the most useful parenting gadgets I own. I simply wouldn’t function without babywearing. I can continue with the care for my family with my baby securely attached to me. I can walk the dogs, do the food shopping, sweep the floor. And more than just the mundane jobs I need to do, we have a huge and wonderful movement of babywearers donating slings and carriers to refuges who NEED to carry their children to safety. Babywearing is literally saving lives and making the most difficult situations more practically manageable.

Babywearing is a parenting tool. There are so many situations in family life that a sling can be a really useful parenting tool. All those times you need your hands free. All those times when baby needs settling. Kangaroo care for premature babies has utterly amazing results. It helps bonding, establishing breastfeeding, it can help the transition from one child to two easier…the list goes on…

Babywearing is good for our children. Physically, it is good. By babywearing we can be respectfully engaging muscle groups. We can be encouraging neck and head strength. We are engaging the vestibular system. We are protecting the healthy hip development. We are keeping them upright, with no hard pressure on the still-developing skull. It is good especially for those babies who suffer from reflux. It calms a baby, which lowers blood pressure, reduces cortisol and babies cry significantly less when being worn, releasing oxytocin and endorphins.

Babywearing is good for us. That close physical contact with our children is great for us too. When a baby is crying the stress hormone is high in us too. When they are held close and content, oxytocin and endorphins are there for us as well. It is a way of knowing that your baby is settled, happy, safe.

Babywearing is a way of parenting when there is nothing left to give. There are days when you are frazzled, exhausted, touched out. Days when you have no more energy, your cup is completely empty. One of the hardest things about parenting for me is realising that on those I still must carry on. I must find a way of making it through. Babywearing helps me on those days, knowing that I can still offer my baby or big kid comfort, reassurance, and time with me by holding my child in a sling, is seriously helpful.

Babywearing is a community. I will be forever grateful for the amazing friends I have made through the babywearing world. Both online and in real life, there is a community of parents who just want to hold their babies close and want to support one another in doing so.
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Babywearing could save the world…well maybe not directly. But in babywearing, and responsive parenting we are laying foundations of love, affection, less stress, communication… This is what you are setting up for your children. We all want a world full of those things. And that’s why I’m celebrating Babywearing this week.

Tips for babywearing success

2/5/2017

 
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I really clearly remember the feeling of absolute despair at myself, when Bethany was teeny tiny, standing in our flat which was two floors up, trying desperately to figure out a sling. I think I said something like “what kind of mother am I, I can’t even do this right?” (slightly over dramatic I know, but it’s how I felt at the time, I needed to carry my baby and I couldn’t, so my world crumbled). Fast forward a few years and I was trying to back carry Samuel. The more I tried, the harder it seemed. I had a sense of rising panic, we were both getting hot and tense. Bethany and Luke were picking up on my tension too and were not feeling patient with me faffing around with a whole heap of fabric instead of playing with them…

A lovely older couple who we see out walking their dogs each day on the pre-school run, asked me today “how do you do that by yourself (meaning wrapping Anna on my back)?” I replied with “practise” (and then we got chatting about how I was a babywearing consultant and running a sling library). On reflection, I think I sounded flippant. I didn’t mean to, I really believe practise is crucial. It got me thinking about my earlier experiences of babywearing, and what advice I would give to myself. So here are my tips for babywearing success.

  1. Believe in yourself and what you are doing
Thinking back to that day in my flat and my stress levels trying to negotiate newborn Bethany into a sling, I think a lot of the route cause wasn’t about the sling, but rather it was about my lack of confidence in my own mothering. She wasn’t happy in a pram, and I wasn’t happy putting her down, but I already had well-meaning family members trying to encourage me to put her down, let her cry, get her into a routine, encourage more learning (at about 5 days old). I needed to take a step back, trust my instincts, to cuddle my baby and ditch the baggage that came with outside pressures and advice that didn’t fit in with my natural parenting.

Mama, Dad, whoever is reading this, you’ve got this. You can totally do this. Babywearing is awesome. Children thrive when they are being carried. They love it. It is a fantastic practical parenting tool as well as a great way to connect with your baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you are not making a rod for your back by cuddling your baby. This advice is true for whatever age or stage your baby is at. Big kids need carrying too! It’s good for them as well.

    2. Get the right sling and carry

This is important. There are so many slings and baby carriers out there it can be overwhelming choosing one, but that is where Sling Libraries come in.  Different slings work for different people. Different slings can work for different ages of baby. There are some slings that will work right the way through from newborn to toddler for one family, but not for another. Sometimes it is just a little tweak that needs to be made that can make the world of difference. Knowing that babywearing is great for you and baby isn’t enough if the sling doesn’t feel right. Babywearing shouldn’t be uncomfortable and most definitely not painful. If it is, something isn’t right.

    3. Practise

Carol and I have chatted so many times about wishing we had a magic wand that we could wave over you to make babywearing really easy, first time. Parenting is hard, it’s a very high pressure job, and add to that a combination of a wrap or new buckle carrier, and a wriggly baby can be tough. I’ll be the first to admit that. But I promise you, with practise you will master this. Maybe not today (although I am in total awe of some parents who come to a sling library session or book a consultation and nail it 1st time), maybe not even tomorrow, but you will! Babywearing is such an amazing thing to do, and it really is well worth the time and effort. Here are some do’s and don’ts for practising babywearing
  • DO – watch some youtube videos (I reccomend Wrap you in love)
  • DON’T – watch so many that you are overwhelmed and can’t remember what to do
  • DO – get a spotter. This can be really reassuring the first few times you babywear
  • DON’T – try and practise a new technique when baby is tired/hungry or you’re in a rush
  • DO – accept that it may take a while to learn, this does not mean you have failed.
  • DON’T – worry if you feel like you want to throw your wrap or carrier across the floor. We’ve all been there! Put it down, and try again tomorrow
  • DO – get help! Come along to a sling library session, book a consultation or come to a workshop!

And remember, you’ve got this! 

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